I dont remember how old I was...maybe 4 or 5...I know I was very little,and someone in my family had gave me some clothes...and there was this little yellow dress that I fell in love with,I remember thinking it made me look like a princess and I felt like one when I wore it....

Mom was cleaning the house,and I was in the living room spinning in circles watching my dress flow out around me,and I thought it was the most beautiful dress id ever seen.I had taken some of moms flowers out of the vase on the table and put them in my hair,I guess in my little mind at that moment with my yellow dress on and pretty flowers in my hair,I was really something special.But that feeling didnt last more than a very few minutes.....

Mom came through the hallway in a mad rage...I dont know what she was so mad at me for,but I remember her grabbing me and pulling the flowers out of my hair and ripping my dress,I was crying and begging her to stop....but she didnt stop...not until I was standing there crying,looking at the floor where the dress lay in shreds all around me......

I knew that the dress was second handed...and now that I think back it wasnt even that fancy...but then,it was the most beautiful and special dress id ever had....I remember so clearly picking up the shredded pieces of cloth and putting it in a garbage bag.....and from that day forward no dress my parents ever gave me meant as much,and they always tried to dress me like a doll....but all the lace and sparkles in the world never mattered anymore....

Maybe  mom was upset because I had taken her flowers out of the vase and put them in my hair...maybe I wasnt allowed to do that....

Or maybe she was mad because I loved that old second hand dress so much,mom wanted me to be perfect to a fault...so its possible she didnt want me to have the dress on....

This is one of the memories from my childhood that comes back to me the most....because its the one that confuses me the most....and one of the times in my life that it didnt take her fist or a belt to hurt me....that single moment in time hurt me more than any beating could have....

The day my mom let me know real fast that I wasnt anything special....pulling the flowers from my hair and shredding my dress broke more than my heart....it broke my spirit...and my confidence...and took me from a state of feeling like a beautiful princess to feeling broken down....worthless....and ugly.

Its wierd how this memory plays in my mind sometimes....like watching the whole thing on a movie screen,and im watching this little girl spin in circles,laughing and singing.....then it goes from that picture over to the sadness of seeing the dress laying in the floor torn and shredded,and the little girl is kneeling there crying and picking up the pieces.....And then I notice..............thats me in the picture.

I was a teenager...around 15 years old...It was almost Halloween and me and my best friend Angela wanted to go to a spook house that the local Baptist Church was having.

Mom agreed to let me go and even gave me money to pay for Angela to get in.The evening started out wonderful,mom and I went to pick her up at her grandmothers house.And from there mom dropped us off in front of the church and told us she would be back in about an hour to get us.

The spook house was great...so we decided to go through a second time...All together we had spent no more than half an hour at the spook house.We went outside and waited on mom to show up....

We waited and waited and everyone was leaving,it was now dark and we was getting kinda scared....I remember the preacher from the church walking up to us and asking us if we needed to use the phone to call someone.But we said no,my mom was coming to get us,so he also left.

We sit on the rock wall in front of the church for what seemed like hours and mom never came,so we decided to cross the street and go to the police station and use the phone to call her.When we walked inside I explained to the police officers that we needed to call my mom,I figured she had fell asleep....When she answered the phone she was in a rage,cursing and screaming at me....I knew seeing on the caller ID that I was calling from the police station was not going to look good,but at the same time I thought she would be glad we had went there to call her.

We stood outside of the police station and waited on her to get there.I kept telling Angela that when mom got there she was going to be mad,but the police officer assured me that we had done the right thing and even he had saw us sitting on the wall in front of the church waiting.And he stood with us outside as we waited on my mom.

Mom pulled into the police station like a bat out of hell,and stormed up to the officer..she asked him if we had really came there to use the phone or if he had picked us up somewhere....He explained to her that he had allowed us to use the phone and that he had seen us sitting in front of the church waiting for some time.And that considering it was dark,he thought we made a good choice in coming there to use the phone.

Angela and I was walking toward the car when mom stormed up behind me and smacked me down....right in front of the police officer!I didnt even have time to get back on my feet before she grabbed me by the hair and shoved me in the car.Angela was pleading with her and trying to tell her that we had waited on her to come but she never showed up...thats when I saw mom turn and shove Angela into the car screaming at her and telling her to shut the hell up or she would get some of what I was gonna get.

The police officer walked over and told mom again that we was telling her the truth and that screaming at us and hitting me was not appropriate.Mom informed him that he had no clue what a handful I was and that I was always giving her trouble and doing things to piss her off....The officer looked through the window at me,gave me a sympathetic look and turned and walked away.....I remember watching him leave and wishing he wouldnt.

I heard Angela in the backseat sobbing when mom got into the car and started calling me terrible names and telling me she knew I had been out with some man....I ask her to call the preacher from the church because he knew the truth...but she just began hitting me in the face so hard my head hit the window beside me....when I covered my face with my hands,she would jerk my head back by pulling my hair,I remember seeing my hair in her hand where she had pulled it out.

I was so humiliated,getting hit and cursed was one thing,but not in front of my best friend....I dont know if I cried more due to what mom was doing to me or just being so humiliated.

We speeded down the dark country road taking Angela back home and all the way mom kept screaming and yelling and calling us liars and wh*res....and telling me what I was in for when we got home.When we pulled up in front of Angela grandmothers house she tried to tell me bye,but mom told her to shut her mouth,and drove away.

When me and mom finally got back home it got even worse...She jerked the phone out of my bedroom and threw it out in the yard,but not before calling Angelas grandmother and hitting me and screaming at me so she could hear...and told her that she needed to hear what her grand daughter had gotten me into.....the more I begged her to stop the louder she screamed and the harder she hit me.

The hitting and screaming went on for a long time.....before she finally slammed my bedroom door and left me alone.It all seems kinda like a dream now,but I know I got one of the worst beatings of my life that night...

The next day when I woke up for school I couldnt stop looking in the mirror..I had bruises all over me..on my face,back and arms...my back was so sore it hurt to move....So I applied thick coats of makeup to hide the bruises and pulled on a long sleeved shirt....when I was walking out the door to catch the bus,mom didnt even look at me...but made sure to tell me it wasnt over by far.

I felt so uncomfortable riding on the bus as we got near Angelas house...I just knew she was going to hate me due to the way my mom had treated her...but instead when she got on the bus she looked at me with the most understanding expression,I had never been so happy in my life to see her and to be able to be near her.

During school my back ached so bad I couldnt lean back in my chair,I remember during our break Angela bought a cold can of soda and held it on my back and tried to pamper me and make it all better.But all day long I kept dreading having to go back home....

When I finally got home that evening...mom sit silently in her chair and not a word was spoken,I went to my room and stayed there all evening....mom didnt cook dinner that night,she made herself a sandwhich....so before bed I walked silently to the kitchen trying to avoid her,and fixed myself a sandwhich and managed to sneak and call Angela....her grandmother was concerned and pretty much thought my mom was a total nut case,but they both assured me they had no hard feelings toward me and it wasnt my fault....

I think the next day mom knew she had messed up really bad...But she never talked to me about it,and never told me she was sorry or that she loved me...she just sit silently and avoided looking at me.

Still today I cant understand why mom never came back to pick us up that night....maybe she did fall asleep...who knows....

And why did she get so angry because we used the phone at the police station to call her?Why wouldnt she believe the police officer when he tried to defend us and tell mom the way it was?

Why wouldnt she call the preacher from the church who knew the truth?

Why did she take a innocent event and turn it into a nightmare?

Ill never know....

I dont think she even knows....

But that is one night I will never forget.And im sure Angela wont forget either...although we are no longer friends.I guess the years and having families of our own kinda caused us to loose touch...But theres no question about it....She helped me through so many situations like this..some alot worse,some not as bad....but we went through alot together.