I dont remember how old I was...maybe 4 or 5...I know I was very little,and someone in my family had gave me some clothes...and there was this little yellow dress that I fell in love with,I remember thinking it made me look like a princess and I felt like one when I wore it....

Mom was cleaning the house,and I was in the living room spinning in circles watching my dress flow out around me,and I thought it was the most beautiful dress id ever seen.I had taken some of moms flowers out of the vase on the table and put them in my hair,I guess in my little mind at that moment with my yellow dress on and pretty flowers in my hair,I was really something special.But that feeling didnt last more than a very few minutes.....

Mom came through the hallway in a mad rage...I dont know what she was so mad at me for,but I remember her grabbing me and pulling the flowers out of my hair and ripping my dress,I was crying and begging her to stop....but she didnt stop...not until I was standing there crying,looking at the floor where the dress lay in shreds all around me......

I knew that the dress was second handed...and now that I think back it wasnt even that fancy...but then,it was the most beautiful and special dress id ever had....I remember so clearly picking up the shredded pieces of cloth and putting it in a garbage bag.....and from that day forward no dress my parents ever gave me meant as much,and they always tried to dress me like a doll....but all the lace and sparkles in the world never mattered anymore....

Maybe  mom was upset because I had taken her flowers out of the vase and put them in my hair...maybe I wasnt allowed to do that....

Or maybe she was mad because I loved that old second hand dress so much,mom wanted me to be perfect to a fault...so its possible she didnt want me to have the dress on....

This is one of the memories from my childhood that comes back to me the most....because its the one that confuses me the most....and one of the times in my life that it didnt take her fist or a belt to hurt me....that single moment in time hurt me more than any beating could have....

The day my mom let me know real fast that I wasnt anything special....pulling the flowers from my hair and shredding my dress broke more than my heart....it broke my spirit...and my confidence...and took me from a state of feeling like a beautiful princess to feeling broken down....worthless....and ugly.

Its wierd how this memory plays in my mind sometimes....like watching the whole thing on a movie screen,and im watching this little girl spin in circles,laughing and singing.....then it goes from that picture over to the sadness of seeing the dress laying in the floor torn and shredded,and the little girl is kneeling there crying and picking up the pieces.....And then I notice..............thats me in the picture.